Yusuke Yurameshi and the Sorceress' Laptop
by Elven Labyrinth
Summary: Rated PG13 for some scary moments and inappropriate jokes. A new evil has befallen the Spirit Realm, and this time the Spirit Detectives are powerless against it.
1. Grossly Caricaturized Mums

It was another typical day in Spirit World. Koenma was busy stamping paperwork and generally abusing his staff of hard-working ogres; Yusuke and Kuwabara were pulling their usual macho stunts on various lower-level demons while Hiei and Kurama stood back and did commentaries, and Boton was frantically scurrying after them in a vain attempt to make sure the two foolish mortals stayed alive. Then a dark shadow descended upon them all…  
  
"Whoa…did anyone feel that?" Kuwabara asked, freezing on the spot. He stared around dumbly (not that he had any other way of staring around).  
Yusuke slugged him in the lower back. "Feel what?" he asked rudely (not that he had any other way of asking).  
"It seems something has taken control of Spirit World." Kurama said calmly, leaning back against a tree. "It apparently has taken over Koenma's job, so to speak."  
"And I suppose we have to go clean it up." Hiei demanded crankily (but seeing as how he's always cranky—though I love him so—it's not like he had any other way of demanding).  
Kuwabara thrust his fist into the air. "All right! I was gettin tired of poundin on Urameshi!"  
Yusuke raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me? Last time I checked, I was kickin your ass."  
"Ha! You wish!"  
Kurama sighed. "I hope this new threat understands the beauty of a horrible and violent death."  
"I just hope this new threat understands the purpose of annihilating all mortals for the sake of their own sanity." Hiei replied, already shirtless and ready to fight.  
  
Meanwhile, in the mortal realm, Keiko was having her own problems. She didn't quite understand how she went from walking to school to dangling above a giant blender. "WAAAH! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON AND NO ONE'S COME TO RESCUE ME!" she wailed.  
"Oh would you shut the hell up? God you're so damn annoying." The voice in the shadows replied.  
Keiko could hear the tell-tale sound of an aspirin bottle being unscrewed and a handful of pills being dry-swallowed. "Who are you?"  
"A power greater and more evil than your little mortal mind could ever imagine." The voice replied. "And since I've taken control of basically everything, I reserve the right to kill off anything I think is extraneous or just plain annoying. Meaning you, in case you didn't understand the big words." The voice said nastily, punctuating the insult with harsh cruel laughter.  
"Why are you being so mean?" Keiko demanded, sniffling pathetically.  
The voice sighed. "Did you miss the part where I said I'm a power greater and more evil than your little mortal mind could ever imagine?"  
"No…"  
"Oh. Well I'm not telling you my name."  
"Why not?"  
"Because you are the weakest link. Good bye."   
Keiko felt the ropes around her ankles loosen, and she plummeted headfirst into the giant blender. Because it wasn't on, she was only skewered by the giant blade.   
The power that was greater and more evil than Keiko's little mortal mind could ever imagine realized she was still (unfortunately) marginally alive. That was easily fixed; all it took was a second to push the purée button and finally destroy Keiko.  
  
The four Spirit Detectives rushed up to Koenma's office, expecting to come face to face with some large, ugly, and ultimately foul demon bent on wreaking havoc and destruction. They were floored to open the door and find that the only person in the room was a teenage girl with a laptop sitting at Koenma's desk. "Hi." She said cheerfully.  
Kuwabara stared at her, already forming one of his infamous crushes. "Hi."  
The girl looked down on the blonde-haired, blue-skinned ogre groveling at her feet. "You can get up now Ogre." She waited for him to stand. "That's better; you should have more pride in yourself. Here's 50 bucks. Go buy a suit or something; the leopard skin loincloth is like, so last century." She handed him a wallet.  
"Thank you! Thank you o wise and infinitely powerful one!" he groveled.  
The girl sighed. "Some people don't learn. Now get out; I have to explain the situation to these for—oh, one more thing Ogre."  
He paused.  
"Take these spa tickets to Boton; she's going on vacation." The girl handed him an envelope.  
"Right." Ogre obediently fled the office.   
The girl turned back to face the four astonished guys. "Sorry about that." She smiled amiably. "Now, in case you haven't already realized, I'm a power greater and more evil than your tiny little minds can ever imagine." She said by way of introduction.  
Hiei glared at her. He drew his sword and leapt to attack her. Then he slammed into an invisible brick wall.  
"Tsk, tsk. You should know better than to go on the offensive without first learning your opponent's weakness." She scolded. "And just for that…" she began typing quickly on the laptop.  
A blue mist filled the room, and a wrinkled old demon appeared. She had bright blue hair with a white starburst at the front and big red eyes.   
"Hiei, I'd like you to meet your mother." The girl dabbed her eyes. "These family reunions always make me teary." She sniffled.  
He stared at the demon. "That's not my mother."  
"That's not what my magic laptop says buddy." The girl replied.  
The short demon stared at Hiei. "So this is what my son becomes? I give you the best of everything and you turn into a common criminal? I can't believe you, you had so much potential!" she began to beat on him with a large alligator print handbag. "You used to play the violin, you had talent you coulda been something! I gave you the best years of my life and this is how you thank me? I shoulda gotten a cat instead of a lousy ungrateful son!" She said as she continued to beat him into submission.  
Yusuke and Kuwabara were doubled over with laughter; even Kurama was giggling.  
"Hey, hey, hey now people, this is a serious punishment." The girl scolded, pushing her gold wire-framed glasses back up to the bridge of her nose. The look in her amber eyes shut them up; they feared an appearance from their own grotesquely caricaturized mothers. "That's better." She said as she typed again.   
The demon that was supposed to be Hiei's mother vanished in a puff of cinnamon-scented smoke. Hiei was still curled up in a fetal position on the floor.  
"Now that you've all seen what I can do, it's time for us to get back to business." The girl tossed her auburn colored hair out of her eyes. "Now—"  
"What happened to Koenma?" Kurama interrupted.  
The girl glared at him. "If you weren't so marginally attractive, I'd sic your own grotesquely caricaturized mother on you. But since you are, I'll forgive you this once." She grinned. "I put Koenma in time-out and sent his dad out to get me a box of tampons."  
All four guys blanched.  
"See what happens when you ask me questions? You should just let me do the talking." She gave an affirmative nod. "Now, does anyone else wanna ask any questions?"  
All four guys shook their heads no feverishly.  
"Good." The girl typed furiously on her laptop.   
The guys cringed.  
"Oh don't worry, this is just my grocery list." She said pleasantly. "Now, as I've been trying to explain, since I've taken over Spirit World, I've decided to completely change everything. That means redecorating, rewriting the bylaws, reassigning some people, readjusting the 401K plan, adding a retirement plan, and giving everyone medical benefits."  
The guys stared at her.  
"You know, you four don't have to do EVERYTHING in unison." She pointed out.  
Yusuke raised an eyebrow. "And we're just supposed to go along with this?" he demanded.  
"In a word?" she replied. "Yes. Seeing as how you don't have a choice and all."  
"Don't have a choice? What kind of lame threat is that?" Yusuke demanded.  
"Not a threat." The girl replied. "You see this laptop?"  
The four guys nodded.  
"Damn you all and your insistence on doing things in unison." She blew her nose. "Sorry. Allergies. Now, as I was saying, this laptop is what allows me to do horrible things to you. Like what I did to Hiei." She gestured to the three-eyed demon that was STILL in a fetal position on the floor. "You can get up. I only did that because you seriously needed to be put in your place. Now all of you can have a seat, while I outline your NEW positions as Spirit Detectives." She was once again amiable.  
The four guys hesitantly sat down. Hiei took up one entire loveseat (he was back in the fetal position); Yusuke and Kuwabara sat in the overstuffed Italian leather recliners, and Kurama stretched out on the matching couch.  
"I like the way you decorate." He said approvingly.  
"I just couldn't resist this nice black leather. I was thinking about doing the walls in maroon with some gold accent pieces." The girl replied.  
Kurama thought about it. "It would be interesting, but that might make this place a little TOO dark and imposing. What about knocking out that back wall and putting in a bay window?"  
"Ooh, that's a good idea!" the girl squealed. "I can do the room in a nice shade of dark green and use silver accent pieces. And the bay window would make the perfect backdrop."  
"Um…not to um…anger you…but um…what exactly are our NEW positions as Spirit Detectives?" Kuwabara asked hesitantly.  
"Oh, right." The girl shrugged. "Sorry, interior decorating always gets me a little carried away." She fiddled with her laptop, apparently opening several files. "Ah yes, your new duties. When you get back from vacation—"  
"Vacation?" Hiei repeated, sitting up. "I don't do vacations." He said grumpily.  
"You do now…unless you'd like to say hello to your mummy again." The girl leaned eyed him. "It's your choice."  
He shut up.  
"All right, when you get back from you beach vacation in Honolulu—which you all should thank me for because it was absolute hell trying to get four first class tickets on the same airline—apparently it's spring break or something. Ah well." She shrugged. "So anyways, when you get back, you'll have some additional members to your little team."  
"Additional members? What the hell!" Yusuke demanded.  
"You piss me off and I'm gonna sober up your mom and sic her on you." The girl said warningly.  
Yusuke shut up.  
"Now, as you all obvious DON'T know, the Spirit World is composed over several realms, or ALTERNATE UNIVERSES." She said, the words somehow magically echoing in the office. "Now most of these are just typical little ALTERNATE—sorry." She pushed a button on her laptop; the echoes stopped. "Universes." She continued. "Just cute little romances between the four of you in various lights, sometimes a single additional female member added to the cast, Hiei taking over the entire realm and putting the rest of you in a dungeon to rot…you know, just typical little alternate universes."  
The other three guys stared at Hiei. "What?" he stared back at them.  
"Hey, attention back to me." She waited. Then she continued. "I managed to snag a hold of the Lady Koenma and she's agreed to let me have her team of Spirit Detectives for a while, as you're going to have a gargantuan case waiting for you upon your return that just can't be handled by only the four of you."  
"Lady Koenma? Another toddler?" Yusuke laughed.  
"I wouldn't call her that—she's quite prone to having her assistants kick people in the nuts."  
Yusuke shut up.  
"Now if you'll all direct your attention to the giant TV screen that magically appeared out of nowhere, you'll see exactly what you'll be working with." From out of nowhere the girl pulled out a remote. "First off is Yui Yurameshi; a good for nothing street punk attending an all-girls reform school in between cases." The picture of an angry looking girl with shaggy black hair and a split lip came up. "This isn't her best picture, but it's the only recent one Lady Koenma had." The girl sighed. "Next is Kazumi Kuwabara. She's another punk attending the same all-girls reform school as Yui…although she's not nearly as annoying, so I've been told." The next picture was of a girl with agonizingly curly red hair and an idiotic grin on her face. "The jury's still out on that one." The girl said as she pressed another button on the remote. "Next is their own fox demon, Kisuke. She's apparently the cool and collected one." A girl with long red hair and huge green eyes stared coolly back at them. "If I didn't know better, I'd swear she was your sister Kurama." The girl hit the remote again. "And last but not least is the little hell-raiser herself, Habiki. She's a fire demon with a false Jigon eye. Lady Koenma's assured me her cooperation though…I think this is how she'll be working off her prison sentence." The girl said cheerfully as the image of a pale young woman with long jet black hair and a white band around her forehead came on screen. "She's taller than Hiei." The girl assured them.  
Kuwabara was drooling.  
"If you get any of your yucky saliva on my Italian leather anything I'll stuff you into a blender, push purée and back you in a pie. Then I'm gonna feed you to everyone else." The girl turned off the TV; it magically disappeared. "That's pretty much it for your information debriefing. Any questions?"  
No one said anything.  
"By the way, my name's Elven Labyrinth, but you can call me EL for short." She said cheerfully. "Pie anyone?" she pulled one out of her desk.  
Yusuke and Kuwabara jumped up and ran out of the office, hands clamped over their mouths.  
"Who's in it?" Kurama asked, standing.  
"Keiko."  
"Thank god." Hiei said arrogantly, his ego returning at last. "I thought she'd never die."  
"So did I. I had to leave the blender on for like, 20 minutes!" EL exclaimed.  
"How big was it?" Kurama asked.  
"Oh, you know, standard size to turn Byakko into a bloody slush in three minutes." She said cheerfully.  
The two demons stared at her.  
"Well for something as annoying as Keiko I had to use a really BIG blender." She shrugged.  
Kurama and Hiei walked out. EL turned around to contemplate the aesthetic worth of a bay window in her new office… 


	2. Sparkly Purple GStrings

EL pressed the button on the intercom that magically appeared on her desk. "Ogre, did you get your new suit yet?"  
"Why yes o wise and infinite one." Was the sniveling reply.  
"Great. Would you call the boys back in here? I need them to fill out some paperwork before they go to Hawaii." El leaned back in her Italian leather recliner. The office was looking quite nice; and she didn't even feel strained. It was good to have a magic laptop; it would've been hell to find a bay window this time of spring.  
"Of course ma'am."  
The four trooped in moments later. Kurama looked around approvingly. "Very nice. I had thought the silver would've offset the green; but using the forest green instead of grass green was a nice decision."  
EL shrugged. "Eh; all that time wasted watching TLC was actually a good idea."  
Hiei raised an eyebrow. "Where'd you find a bay window this time of spring?"  
"The magic laptop." EL put her hand on a stack of papers that had magically appeared. "Now, I've called you all back here to fill out these questionnaires. And they have to be done before you can go."   
The mortals accepted their papers, seeing no way to escape from the infinitely evil power of EL. Hiei glared at her.  
"Did I mention you're just absolutely to die for when you're giving me that wicked die-bitch-die look?" suddenly the lighting in the room faded to a single spotlight focused on the evil girl. Several cherry blossom petals floated past her (and some landing in her hair) and onto the rest of the room. Then a bright blue finger disrupted the angst of the scene.  
"Um…your assistant's hand just slipped." Kurama pointed out.  
The lighting returned to normal.  
"Dammit Ogre." EL sighed. "Oh, just go…um…go out to lunch, or something. Oh, and by the way…nice Zoot suit."   
Ogre bowed out.  
"Now, as I was saying, you'll have to fill these out, and then I have to post them-"  
"WHAT THE HELL!?!" Hiei demanded. "These are obscene, and personal, and I REFUSE!"  
EL narrowed her eyes, and slipped off her glasses. "You'll do it because I own your tight little butt."  
"I won't." he sneered.  
EL frowned. "You'll cooperate or you'll be punished."  
"I'm ready!" he declared, tensing.  
"Oh no, you're not gettin off easy this time." She replied, typing. "Besides, your grossly caricaturized mum is at a bridge tournament. Now this is your last chance to cooperate or else."  
Hiei snorted. "You have no power over me."  
EL grinned. "Sorry, this isn't Labyrinth." She hit the ENTER key.  
  
Hiei found himself in the world's most uncomfortable position. He was on the desk of the evil, heinous, usurping bitch EL in a sparkly purple G-string with one hand on his hip and the other cocked at an odd angle.  
"Now sing my little three-eyed wonder, sing." She commanded, grinning.  
"No."  
EL sighed.   
Hiei twitched. "I'm a little teapot, short and stout-oh what the hell?!" he tried to slap her hand away.  
EL sat back down, the $20 still clutched in her hand. "You're in a G-string. This is standard." She smiled. "Now keep singing, or cooperate."  
"Here is my handle, here is my spout-I'm gonna kill you." He declared.  
The other three were on the ground, rolling with laughter.  
"Ok you three, up and on your feet, or else someone's getting put in a chicken suit and they have to do the Macarena."   
Hiei jumped off the desk, and curled up in a fetal position on the couch. He was FREEZING.  
"Ok, ok, I suppose I'll let you put some clothes on." EL's fingers flew over the keyboard.   
A very disgruntled Hiei was actually quite pleased…for the moment.  
"Oh, and Yusuke was kind enough to take pictures for me, so I have plenty of blackmail material on my hard drive." EL leaned back in her chair.  
"Uh…why are you so horrible to Hiei? I thought you loved him." Kuwabara stuttered, successfully cowed by the awesome evilness that is EL.  
"Oh, I positively adore him! But it's a love-hate relationship. I love him, he hates the horrible things I do to him, he begins to cooperate, I make his life better. That's just how it is! ^^"   
"I've never known anyone to end their sentence with ^^." Kurama mused.  
"I couldn't help myself-I'm so pleased with this job. Now, go into the room next door, fill out those forms, and I'll post them so that we can find the perfect girl." EL got up, and shooed them out of the office. Then she sat back down in the overstuffed Italian reclining desk chair. "This is going to be quite wonderful!" 


End file.
